I always see this question online, and it annoys me.
It annoys me not because of the people asking, but in the context of how it is being asked.
It has been reduced to a very transactional subject as opposed to what should be a thought-provoking line on reflection and self-improvement.
The question is “what do you bring to the table?”
It’s been used to make women feel like they’re not enough unless they’re ticking a bunch of boxes to please some self-appointed deity of masculinity.
This question is never about ticking boxes for a man.
It is first for yourself as a woman who knows what she offers and who wants to be more.
7 Things a Woman Should Bring to the Table in a Relationship
1. Emotional Stability
People think emotional stability is a lack of emotions.
No.
It is a lot of emotions that you are trying to balance at the same time.
Being emotionally stable doesn’t mean you are a robot that does not feel anything.
It means you respond, and not react.
When you respond, you process and bring things out from a place of rationality and a solution point of view.
This is one trait that sets you apart because it means you’re very much in tune with yourself.
You have your shit together, and you are safe to love.
This is one thing you should bring to the table.
2. Self-Respect
I recently wrote a piece about the reasons your relationships keep failing as a woman.
You can read it here.
Now, back to this post before I digress.
You’re a sweet woman who was raised right in love and contentment.
At some point in your life, you begin to chase after someone who keeps showing you that he doesn’t want to be with you.
It is not cute!
Don’t be deceived by the desperation masquerading as “going for what you want”
A woman who brings self-respect into a relationship doesn’t beg, doesn’t shrink, and doesn’t tolerate half-love.
You know who you are, what you stand for, and the value you offer.
You build your boundaries and do not become another sponge that soaks up what is tossed at you because you are “understanding.”
And you know what?
Men respect women who respect themselves. Always.
You’re not being a mean bitch for standing for what is right or not tolerating mediocre, it is you valuing yourself enough not to throw yourself away.
3. Financial Awareness (Not Wealth)
Sometime ago, I was financially reckless to the point that my husband had to take my finances out of my hands.
It was so bad I couldn’t account for anything, and he had to step in to save me.
I was on retail therapy that stemmed from grieving the loss of my mum, and it was BAD.
I squandered millions.
My husband had to remind me of myself and how disciplined I was with money.
He went as far as reminding me that I had gifted him some money when we were friends as a birthday gift, but I put a caveat that he won’t access the funds unless he has something meaningful or substantial to do with it.
He reminded me of how I used to keep my ledgers and how I knew where every bit of my money entered.
He said those were part of the habits that made him fall in love with me.
In reality, I was able to learn the art of financial awareness when I had nothing.
You don’t need to have millions in your account to learn this.
What matters is your ability to manage what you have.
You handle what you earn in a way that leaves you not stranded and waiting for a prince charming to save you.
You’re not waiting for someone to upgrade your life; you are already on that journey to building the life you want, brick by brick.
That is a very sexy form of independence.
4. Clear Communication
I always say this, and I will reiterate it.
Nobody will automatically know how you feel or what goes on in your head and mind simply because you’re a couple.
If you think he should just “know how you feel,” you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
A relationship isn’t a guessing or telepathic game.
Say what you mean.
Ask for what you need.
Speak up when something bothers you.
You can’t be giving one-word answers to questions that require full-blown answers.
You can’t give an attitude as a way to express how you feel and expect it to be interpreted by some feminine energy translator.
Even when your hormones are at play as a woman and you get to understand that it is what is messing you up, still communicate this.
The art of communication is something that should be learned, amd you should learn it if you’re not good at it.
Also, it goes beyond expressing yourself.
It also means listening without preparing a defense or counterattack.
You’re not against each other. You’re against the problem, and neither party is the problem.
A woman who communicates clearly is a gem, and mature communication is one thing that you should bring to the table.
5. Softness with a Backbone
I spoke about femininity and softness above, and I said it wasn’t about being cheesy and annoyingly useless to yourself and even the people around you.
Yes, you have to be respected and even be assertive and all as a woman, but you can do all of these from the place of softness.
You don’t have to be hard to be respected.
I used to think a soft woman is a weak woman until I tried to learn how to be soft.
Oh boy! It is a lot of work.
It takes strength to be soft in a world that pushes you to become hard and remain harder to survive.
But amidst being soft, you don’t have to be trampled on like the proverbial doormat.
You can be gentle and still call people out.
You can be nurturing and still say “No.”
You can love fully and still walk away when you’re not valued.
You’re not either soft or strong.
You’re both.
That’s the magic, and it owns the table.
6. A Growth Mindset
Change is the only constant thing in life, and it is a solid factor in determining growth.
You can’t grow without changing, and this means unlearning, relearning, and just plain learning of fresh and new things.
You’re not perfect, and you’re not trying to be.
But you are trying to get better.
At how you love, how you show up, how you live, and at everything that concerns you.
If you do not have a growth mindset, you cannot be more than who you already are.
You cannot become more.
But when you have a growth mindset, you don’t get stuck in old patterns because you notice them and you work on them.
And that energy?
That “I’m not who I was last year” energy?
It inspires the right partner to grow with you, not against you.
7. A Life of Your Own
Who says you have to synchronise your life to follow the pattern and habits of your lover?
Imagine a world where there is no individuality.
Crazy, boring, no innovation, and monotonous.
Don’t be like the princess who was groomed for the prince of Zamunda in Eddie Murphy’s Coming to America.
She had no sense for herself because she was trained to please the prince, who in turn went after what inspires him.
Your whole world cannot revolve around your relationship.
Because when it does, you lose yourself.
You need something that’s yours.
A dream, a drive, a purpose, a passion.
In short, a life!
It is for your own good to ensure you have a complete life with or without a man.
That way, you’d have things to look forward to and won’t feel empty.
You’re going in whole and not some empty barrel that needs filling up by some man.
Bringing something to the table isn’t about being impressive.
It’s about knowing who you are and what you need and being brave enough to expect the same from your partner.
You’re not asking to be picked.
You’re asking to be met at your level, with the same energy and effort you bring.
And that’s not too much.