Breakups are never easy on anyone, not even on the person doing the breakup.
Breaking up with someone you’ve dated for three months hurts, let alone someone you dated for two years and even introduced to your parents!
I mean… I brought this guy home to my parents, and he’d even started talking about wedding plans.
Even though I wanted to go back to uni for my degree, I was like, “Okay, maybe marriage and schooling can work.”
All was well until during a conversation one day, he said, “Women are to be controlled and subdued.”
I thought I didn’t hear him well, so I asked him again, to clarify.
He said, “Women these days are no longer submissive. You have to make them.”
My heart started beating fast.
How on earth did I end up with a man like this?
We’ve been dating for two years, talking wedding plans, and now this?
I can’t unhear what I heard.
Words are like eggs, once said, cannot be retrieved.
I knew the relationship was over that day, even though it took me weeks to finally tell him.
I stopped calling him and answering his calls.
I wasn’t replying to his texts.
He was so worried he came to visit me, of which I was cold to him.
He told my parents about my change in attitude towards him.
I told them I wasn’t interested anymore.
They tried to convince me, I was adamant.
They weren’t going to live with him in the house.
I was.
So, it was my decision to make.
I eventually told him the reason for my decision.
He apologised and said he didn’t mean it that way.
Seriously?
You didn’t mean it that way?
A statement that heavy cannot be a slip of the tongue.
It’s a belief system.
It’s how you genuinely see women.
And if that’s how you see women in general, that’s definitely how you’re going to see me once we’re married and you think you own me.
When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them
People love to throw around that Maya Angelou quote, but how many of us listen when someone reveals their true character?
We make excuses and convince ourselves they didn’t really mean it, or they were just having a bad day.
I’m smart enough to know that when a man tells you he believes women need to be controlled and subdued, he’s not joking.
He’s telling you exactly what kind of husband he’s going to be.
This wasn’t some random guy I’d been casually seeing for a few weeks.
This was a man I’d invested two years of my life into, a man who’d met my family.
The fact that he was comfortable enough to say it out loud made it scarier.
Which means he’d been thinking it all along.
For two whole years, while I was imagining our life together, he was looking at me as something that would eventually need to be controlled.
Let that sink in.
The Mask Always Slips Eventually
People can only pretend for so long.
In the beginning, everyone’s on their best behavior.
You’re both trying to impress each other, but eventually, comfort sets in, and the real person underneath the mask starts to show up.
Two years in, he got comfortable and thought we were far enough along that he could start being honest about his views on women and marriage.
He probably thought I was already invested enough that I wouldn’t leave.
Not me.
I love myself too much.
And this is why I tell women to always pay attention to what men say when they think you’re locked in.
Pay attention to how they talk about other women, their mothers, sisters, exes, random women they see on the street….
Because that’s how they see all women, including you.
You’re not special enough to be exempt from their worldview.
Control, Not Submission
I should mention that this guy was a pastor, and of course, his book of reference was the Bible.
I’m a Christian as well and love the Bible, but I know that’s not what the Bible says.
There’s a huge difference between mutual submission, biblical headship, and what this man was describing.
Submission in a healthy relationship is voluntary, it’s built on trust and respect.
It’s not something that’s forced or demanded, and it definitely doesn’t involve words like “control” and “subdue.”
My ex was talking about power and dominance, making sure women don’t have the autonomy to make their own choices and express their own opinions.
That’s not a godly husband, that’s a dictator.
And I wasn’t about to sign up for a lifetime of having my spirit crushed by someone who saw me as something to be managed rather than someone to be cherished.
If you’re reading this and you’re in a relationship where something doesn’t feel right, you’re allowed to leave like I did.
You don’t need a “good enough” reason.
You don’t need to wait for him to cheat or hit you or do something obviously terrible.
If he reveals a belief system that you know you can’t live with, that’s enough.
Two years, five years, ten years, the amount of time you’ve invested doesn’t obligate you to stay.
In fact, finding out who someone really is two years in is a blessing compared to finding out after you’re married with children and your life is completely intertwined with his.
And don’t let anyone convince you that you’re overreacting or throwing away a good thing.
If a man believes women need to be controlled and subdued, he’s not a good thing.
He’s a nightmare waiting to happen.
Also, stop making excuses for men’s revealing statements.
When he tells you something that doesn’t sit well with you about how he views women, relationships, marriage, or anything you value, believe him the first time.
Don’t convince yourself that you misunderstood or that he’ll change.
People can grow and evolve, yes.
But core belief systems don’t just disappear because you love someone enough.
Nah..
If he thinks women are meant to be controlled now, he’s going to think that after you’re married too.
Except by then, he’ll feel even more entitled to actually control you.
And that’s how many women end up stuck in a bad marriage!
I’m happily married with two amazing children now, and I’m grateful I made the decision to quit that relationship.
Dear sis, don’t settle!