“The person you get married to will see you through the death of your parents; think about that and let it determine if that’s the person you want to be with.”
I heard these words from a mum on Instagram advising her daughter and her friends at a hangout.
Those words slapped.
When the average young person sets out to get married, 90% of the time, they’re only thinking about all the fun and interesting stuff, which is amazing.
I mean, I’m a helpless romantic, and I love the fun and interesting stuff; who doesn’t?
But there’s more to be considered.
When you choose to marry someone, you give yourself to them in a way that no other relationship on earth can be compared with.
Such a huge decision requires deep thought and reflection.
One way to reflect and confirm if this person is the one you should walk this journey with is through questions.
There are many questions you need to ask yourself when you decide that you want to be joined in holy matrimony with someone.
Questions that will dig out important realizations and considerations for you.
Because I don’t want you to worry your pretty head, I have put some of those questions together for you.
Get comfortable; let us ask the hard but necessary questions.
Don’t Marry Someone Until You Can Honestly Answer These 10 Questions
1. Would I want to be with them if I were having the worst day?
Think about what that Instagram mum said and ask yourself this question.
If you were having a terrible day or going through some difficult stuff, would you want to be around this person?
It’s easy to love being around your partner in fun times and when things are all good.
But what about when they are not?
What does the thought of dealing with a difficult emotion like pain or grief and being around your partner do to you?
I’m not trying to be negative or make you think dark thoughts.
But the reality of life is that sh!t happens.
If you don’t feel comfortable with the fact that they’ll be there during your tough days, all is not well.
2. Can I tell them if I made a mistake?
Some relationships are like a master-slave relationship.
Where one person is walking on eggshells and can not be human around the other person.
Such a relationship should not end in marriage; it should just end, full stop.
You need to honestly assess the situation with your partner.
Your ability to easily and freely tell them when you’ve messed up or aren’t doing so great in life is a sign that you’re comfortable with them.
The ease with which you share the aesthetically unpleasing parts of you and their graceful and welcoming response is a green flag that you want to see before you take that walk down the aisle.
Trust me.
3. Are we kind to each other?
People talk a lot about individuals who are kind to their partners but mean to other people, especially people who are helpless and at their mercy.
Such individuals are a red flag.
But permit me to introduce you to another set of humans who do the opposite and are a whole red flag, scratch that, a whole red carpet.
Individuals who are all nice, kind, and interesting to other people but mean to their spouse.
Yes, such people exist, and they’re usually the kings and queens of gaslighting.
The worst part is that when you try to open up to people outside, they might not believe you because your partner puts up the persona of an angel when they’re out.
This question about kindness is one you shouldn’t joke with.
Ask the question and give yourself an honest answer.
Are they kind to you, and are you kind to them?
If you’re not kind to each other, why get married?
4. Do we agree?
“Can two walk together unless they agree?”
Nope.
The agreement here isn’t about your favorite football club, toothpaste brand, or political party.
It’s about deeper life stuff that means a lot to you and defines your life.
Stuff like your values, principles, faith, nonnegotiables, etc.
Imagine being tied to someone and you’re both wanting to go in opposite directions.
How is that going to work?
Many “irreconcilable differences” that couples experience that lead to their divorce are because they don’t agree and shouldn’t have started that marriage in the first place.
Why start a marriage that already has the potential to fail or make you miserable?
All marriages stand the risk of failing, trust me, I know that, but some marriages are more shaky than others, and a marriage where both partners don’t agree is one such.
You need to evaluate your agreement and the level of it.
5. Do we love and respect each other?
Don’t assume you love each other just because you’re talking about marriage.
Love and respect are more about actions than words.
Do your actions towards each other reflect affection, love, and honor?
Trust me, this is the barest minimum.
Even people who love and respect each other still struggle to treat each other the best way on some hard days in marriage.
Now, imagine if love and respect didn’t exist between them.
6. Are we ready for this?
You can’t ever be fully ready for marriage.
But you can have a good level of preparation where you know that your minds are grown and prepared for the journey ahead.
You feel excited to tie the knot but also ensure that you’ve prepared mentally, financially, and physically for marriage.
It’s also important that you know that it’s not a one-person thing.
The readiness is from both ends, and it’s joint work.
This is because marriage is not child’s play.
7. Do we like each other?
This is different from love.
Liking each other is another ball game.
There will be days when the feeling of love might not exactly be present.
But if there’s a liking of each other’s personalities, features, and guts, you’d still be balling.
Take some time to assess if you enjoy hanging out with each other even when it’s nothing romantic.
Do they think you’re a good company?
Do you both get along well?
Ask these questions now, not later.
8. Do I feel safe with them?
Marrying someone who doesn’t give you a sense of safety is setting yourself up for many issues.
Pay attention to how you feel when you’re with them.
Does it feel reassuring or stressful?
If their communication, presence, and action over time have not given you a sense of security and made you trust them enough, then perhaps you need to look again.
Slow down and find out why there’s unease.
Please don’t get married to someone you don’t feel safe with.
9. Am I ignoring any red flags?
Sometimes, people see red flags but somehow convince themselves it’s not something else.
You are the person getting married so nobody can do the evaluation for you.
Be honest with yourself when answering this question.
You owe yourself that.
Perhaps you’ve been seeing some warning signs and potential risks in your relationship with this person or in the person, but you’ve been pushing them aside.
See me as an angel sent from above to bring you this simple message: Dig out those areas of caution that you buried and dissect them.
Do the hard work you’re avoiding: open these things up and be real with yourself.
10. Is my heart at peace?
At the end of the day, nobody can know better than you if you feel peaceful about it.
Search deep within and ask yourself if this feels like it.
Don’t rush.
Take your time to reflect and see how you truly feel
If there are some bad vibes and heaviness in your heart around it, don’t be afraid to take more time to search and know what that’s about.
Marriage is a lifelong journey; it’s meant to last forever.
Divorce and marital issues are not fun things to experience.
Looking closely before you go into marriage can help you reduce the risk of getting burned.