My mom is an amazing woman.
She’s intelligent, industrious, prayerful, and a good cook.
I learned how to be hardworking and making your own money as a woman from watching her, and those lessons have shaped who I am today.
But I wish she had told me certain things about men and relationships.
Of course, I’m not expecting her to tell me everything.
Some lessons you have to learn on your own, and some things she probably didn’t even know herself when I was growing up.
And now that I’m older, married, and raising a daughter myself, I think a lot about the things I wish my mom had sat me down and told me about men.
Of course, not to make me afraid of relationships or cynical about love, but to make me more protective of my own peace and happiness.
These are the lessons I wish she’d taught me, and the ones I’m making sure to teach my own daughter:
4 Things I Wish My Mom Taught Me About Marriage
1. Love Doesn’t Pay Bills
Throughout my dating years, I never dated a rich guy.
I grew up hearing “build with a man” from my mom, and it made me think that suffering with a man is true love.
I grew up dating and believing that struggling together is proof that your love was genuine.
I wish my mom had told me that while love is important, money matters too.
You can love a man deeply and still end up miserable if you’re constantly stressed about money.
Love doesn’t pay rent or buy groceries, nor does it cover school fees, medical bills, or emergencies.
And most importantly, living in constant financial stress will kill even the strongest love.
I’m not saying you should marry for money or that money is more important than love.
But love without money will drain you.
Financial stress is one of the leading causes of divorce for a reason.
Yes, love, but don’t forget finances because you might be okay struggling in your twenties while you’re building.
But in your thirties with children, bills piling up, and a husband who doesn’t lessen your financial burden, that love you thought would be enough will become a burden.
I know women who married for love, ignored all the financial red flags, and are now exhausted working multiple jobs while their husbands are underemployed or unmotivated.
They’re now resenting the man they once loved because they’re tired of being the only adult.
Sometimes women outearn their husbands, and that’s completely fine if both people are contributing and both are responsible.
But when one person is financially irresponsible and has no drive, that’s a problem.
My mom meant well with her “build with a man” advice.
She wanted me to value character over money, and I appreciate that intention, but she didn’t balance it.
I got the balance from my best friend’s mom years ago when she said, “If a woman is the only one shouldering the financial responsibilities of the home, she’ll never thrive.”
And I never forget it.
2. Men Can Be Selfish
I wish my mom had told me that men can be selfish, and that it’s not your job to fix that or suffer through it.
See, some men will take and take and take without ever thinking about what you need.
And they’ll do it while you’re bending over backward trying to make them happy.
I’m not saying all men are selfish; they’re not.
But a lot of men are raised to prioritize their own needs, comfort, and desires, while women are raised to prioritize everyone else’s.
They say we are nurturers.
Oh well…😒
Except that nurturing doesn’t include nurturing ourselves.
That’s why many women end up in marriages where their husbands’ needs, career, priority, comfort etc ..come first while theirs take a backseat as they earn “good wife” title.
I wish my mom told me that some men will be selfish, not because they’re bad people, but because they’ve never been taught to think beyond their own needs.
And that it’s okay to call that out to refuse to accept it.
It doesn’t make you a bad wife.
3. You Can’t Fix, Save, or Change a Grown Man
Even after 40 years of marriage, I still have to hear my mom complain about the same things about my dad.
And I have to be the one telling her she shouldn’t expect her husband to change after all these years.
Because if he hasn’t changed in 40 years, he’s not going to change now.
That’s the lesson I wish she’d taught me instead of me having to teach her: you cannot change a grown man.
Whatever he is that bothers you, that’s who he is.
And marrying him, hoping he’ll change, is setting yourself up for decades of disappointment.
But my mom, like so many women of her generation, went into marriage believing that her love and patience would transform her husband into the man she wanted him to be.
It didn’t.
And now, 40 years later, she’s still waiting for changes that will never come.
So when I see any flaw in a man, I don’t stick around hoping he’ll change.
I accept that this is who he is, and I decide whether I can live with that or not.
If I can’t, I move on. I don’t try to fix it or think I can.
Because I’ve learned what my mom never did: you can’t change people who don’t want to change.
And even if they say they want to, unless they’re actively doing the work, like going to therapy, being accountable, literally putting in real effort, it’s just words.
The hardest part about this lesson is accepting it when you’ve already built a life together.
If it’s a relationship, you can break up and start your searching all over again, but marriage?
4. You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness
I know your spouse should make you happy. Isn’t that partly why we get married?
To have someone who loves us, supports us, makes us laugh, and makes life better?
Yes, absolutely.
But I wish my mom had told me that your happiness can’t be entirely dependent on another person.
When you make your husband responsible for your happiness, you give him way too much power over your emotional state, and you set yourself up for constant disappointment.
I learned this the hard way in my marriage.
There were times when I expected my husband to always know what I needed and to always make me feel loved, and when he didn’t, I felt miserable.
I thought something was wrong with our marriage or with him.
But the truth is, no one person can be everything for you.
Your husband can contribute to your happiness, yes. He should want you to be happy and do things that bring you joy.
But he can’t be the only source of it, because what happens when he’s going through his own struggles and can’t pour into you the way you need?
You need other things that make you happy, like your hobbies, friendships, goals, faith, and passions that have nothing to do with him, and I’m glad I have those now.
Whether you’re single, dating, engaged, or already married, I hope you found this helpful.