I once read a social media post where a woman complained about being married to a man she no longer felt connected to.
Her husband was loyal but introverted, and she was “a happening babe.”
Being married to him was peaceful, but she desired more adventure, to live like a social butterfly, and to be desired by other men.
This was why she sought advice from people on that social media platform.
The truth is that when you get married, you commit to your spouse to be faithful.
But sometimes, the temptation to cheat can be overwhelming.
You might be feeling neglected, bored, or unappreciated in your marriage, and the thought of finding excitement and passion elsewhere is enticing.
However, cheating can have devastating consequences for both you and your spouse.
So, before you decide to cheat, here are fifteen questions you should ask yourself:
15 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Cheat On Your Spouse
1. Why am I considering cheating?
Take the time to examine your motives for considering cheating.
Nothing happens without a reason, not even a decision as critical as stepping out on your spouse.
Think about why you’re even considering cheating and what makes it appealing to you.
Are you feeling neglected emotionally?
Physically?
Are you looking for an escape from your current situation?
Understanding why you are considering cheating will bring clarity to your situation.
2. Is cheating in line with your personal values?
This one right here is a big deal, and while I have heard some people talk about infidelity as if it is as simple as eating a burger secretly, some people won’t do so because of their personal values.
I once heard a lady say, “If he cheats on you, cheat on him back to revenge,” and sadly, other ladies applauded her.
While that must have sounded like a smart suggestion, there are questions one needs to ask critically.
How will cheating on another man hurt your husband severely?
I know that the intended goal is revenge, but is it even an effective plan if you are at the receiving end?
To some people, values like honor and self-respect, and stooping so low as to cheat on their spouse in revenge, will go against their values.
3. What about my marital vows?
Marriage in many religions and contexts is more than boy meets girl and they like each other.
Particularly in the Christian religion, which I identify with, marriage is a sacred institution, and the marital vow is a sacred one before God and in the presence of witnesses.
Many stay faithful to their spouses in a bid to keep their end of the marriage vow.
So, what about your wedding vows?
Are you ready to break your vow to God and your spouse?
4. What are the potential consequences of cheating?
Every action and inaction has consequences.
If you decide to cheat, what are the potential consequences?
Will it lead to a temporary distraction, or will it destroy your marriage?
What are the potential health risks you could face if you choose to have unprotected sex with someone outside of your relationship?
Think about how cheating will affect not just yourself but also everyone else involved.
In short, consider what you stand to lose if you cheat and ask yourself, ”Is it worth it?”
5. Have I talked to my spouse about my concerns?
Before you can make an informed decision about whether or not to cheat, have you had an honest dialogue with your spouse about the issues in your relationship?
Have you explained where you are feeling stuck and what needs are not being met?
Are you open to hearing their perspective and exploring ways to grow together as a couple?
Talking about the difficult issues in your relationship can help you create an action plan for positive change.
It can also provide clarity on whether or not cheating is the best option for both of you.
6. Have I tried to work on my marriage?
I always say that the grass is not greener on the other side; it is greener where you water it.
This means that building a solid marriage takes intentional and sustainable efforts.
If you’re feeling unsatisfied in your marriage, have you tried to work on your issues?
Couples counseling, date nights, communication, and other efforts to improve your relationship might be a better choice than cheating.
If you have tried those, are you sure you are genuinely out of options?
I believe it is better to go your separate ways than to resort to infidelity.
Ultimately, the choice is yours.
7. How would I feel if my spouse cheated on me?
Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.
How would you feel if they cheated on you?
Would you be able to forgive them easily?
It is easy to think selfishly in the heat of passion, especially the forbidden kind, but if the situation were turned around, would you feel the same way?
The golden rule remains: “Do unto others as you want them to do to you.”
If you’d feel betrayed if your spouse were to cheat on you, then it’ll be wrong to hurt them in such a manner.
8. What do I hope to gain from cheating?
Think about why you want to cheat.
Are you looking for attention, excitement, or validation?
Remember that cheating won’t necessarily provide any of these things in the long term.
Am I willing to risk hurting my spouse and family?
Is this fling sustainable in the long run?
Many start out relationships with their cheating partner and eventually marry them, but are uneasy in the marriage because of the lack of foundational trust.
9. How can I address my needs without cheating?
Cheating is a temporary fix at best.
Instead of looking for short-term solutions, consider what you can do to improve your marriage in the long term.
If you’re feeling unfulfilled in your marriage, there are healthier ways to address your needs.
Talking to your spouse, finding a hobby, or seeking therapy can all be better alternatives to cheating.
Have you explored all options?
In fact, I have found that some discontentment in marriage may not be the fault of the other partner but may be personal issues, especially unhealed trauma.
I heard of a woman who felt her husband didn’t love her and was emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied.
Her husband, on the other hand, claimed that he had tried all he could to love and reach his wife, but she had a wall up that he couldn’t penetrate.
Guess what?
It looked like the man was the issue, and they were going their separate ways until they explored the option of counseling.
During counseling, the woman shared her past about how she had been molested as a child, and after her father abandoned them as a child, she never believed any man could ever love her again.
That was the issue all along!
Everything her husband did was viewed through the lens of trauma, and she kept responding from the place of trauma, too.
Eventually, this lady went through therapy, and her marriage is still going strong till now.
So, again I ask, have you explored all options?
10. Have I thought about the consequences of being caught?
Have you thought about how you would handle being caught?
Cheating affects more than just you; it’ll hurt your spouse, your children, and your extended family and friends.
Are you willing to take that risk?
An African proverb says, “When two elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers”.
Often, the children are left to deal with the consequences of their parents’ actions, and it is usually not pretty.
The trauma caused by the infidelity of a parent can wreck a child’s life.
11. How would I feel if my children found out about my infidelity?
If you have children, consider how they would feel if they found out about your infidelity.
Would they be able to forgive you?
I once met a man who couldn’t get past the decisions and choices of his parents.
His father had cheated serially on his mother, and that altered his thoughts and feelings about relationships.
Even in his late thirties, he refused to forgive his father for cheating on his mom and abusing her, too.
His case was peculiar because his father’s philandering led to his mother’s death as she unsuspectingly caught HIV from him.
Children often think the world of their parents; you can do no wrong to them.
However, when that trust is broken, they may grapple with bitterness and never truly forgive their parent.
12. Have I considered the impact of my actions on my spouse’s mental health?
Infidelity has serious mental health consequences for your spouse, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
Have you thought about how your actions might affect their mental health?
You may not care much about that right now, but maybe everything within you is screaming, “DO IT!”
Guess what?
It is usually like that, and one of the most terrible things to have is regret in life.
Your spouse may not be your favorite person right now, but you married them, and they used to make you happy.
You shouldn’t seek to wreck them by cheating on them.
13. Have I considered the impact of my actions on my own mental health?
Have you considered the impact of cheating on your own mental health?
This may be the farthest thing on your mind when you are on the fast lane and enjoying the ride.
It is also especially true if you have friends who are encouraging you to step out on your spouse.
Peer pressure is real, mehn!
However, can you stop to think about your conscience?
Some people cheated on their spouses but couldn’t deal with the guilt and had to confess to their infidelity.
The Bible so succinctly puts it;
14. Do I still love my spouse?
Before you cheat, ask yourself if you still love your spouse.
If the answer is yes, are you willing to risk losing them for a temporary thrill?
Whatever you do, don’t hurriedly answer this question because feelings are fickle.
As a married person, I have learned to separate issues arising from my partner’s personality.
I may not feel good about a certain matter or circumstance, but it doesn’t cancel out my partner.
Knowing how you truly feel about your partner will take a lot of genuine soul-searching.
But the answer to this will make a whole lot of difference to your marriage.
15. Have I considered ending my relationship before pursuing someone else?
If you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage, ending the relationship is a better choice than cheating.
It might be difficult, but it’s a more honest and respectful approach.
After making efforts to fix the issues and exploring counseling options, can you both explore the option of divorce before pursuing a new love interest?
Choices have consequences, and cheating is usually a choice.
This is why it is important to weigh it from all angles before choosing it.
The coming together of two imperfect individuals will not automatically make the union perfect; love is more than a feeling.
What makes a marriage stand strong isn’t just love but commitment.
Even in cases where the parties involved decide to end their relationship, it is always best to leave on honorable terms.
If you need help with fixing your marriage, we recommend that you engage the services of a professional marriage counselor.