One of the hardest parts of cheating is when the person doing it doesn’t even seem guilty.
You’re betraying someone who trusts you, lying to their face, potentially putting your marriage at risk, and you’re sleeping peacefully at night?
Must be nice.
We like to believe everyone has a conscience that screams the moment they do something wrong.
But humans are very good at explaining their own behavior.
If you can find a good enough explanation, you can keep doing it without seeing yourself as a terrible person.
That’s why two people can do the exact same thing and experience completely different levels of guilt.
One person cheats once and is eaten alive by remorse.
Another has been cheating for years and is mainly concerned about not getting caught.
So what makes the difference?
Let’s see.
Cheaters Who Never Feel Guilty Have These 6 Things in Common
1. They have already made themselves the victim in their own story
It’s easier to do something wrong when you’ve created a justifiable reason.
That’s why some cheaters don’t see themselves as the villain in their own story.
They are the victim.
Their spouse didn’t give them enough attention; marriage became boring; their husband was always working; their wife stopped being affectionate.
Blah blah blah.
I’m not saying these things cannot be real problems in a marriage.
But they aren’t reasons to sleep with someone else.
That’s how you hear statements like, “If she had been giving me attention, I wouldn’t have looked elsewhere.”
Ah.
So she filled the form, booked the hotel, and sent you there too?
This is why playing the victim is so useful for someone who doesn’t want to feel guilty.
2. They separate loving someone from being loyal to them
One thing I’ll never understand is how you’ll cheat on your partner while claiming to love them at the same time.
Because if I love you, I wouldn’t want to hurt you, right?
Apparently, it’s not that straightforward for everybody.
Some cheaters truly believe they love their spouse, but they do things they know would break their heart if they found out.
Make it make sense.
Some people have separated love from loyalty.
To them, loving their spouse means providing for them, being affectionate, coming home, raising the children together, enjoying their company, and not wanting the marriage to end.
So they can be having an affair and still think they’ve never stopped loving their spouse.
Because they believe their love is genuine, they don’t necessarily see themselves as someone cruelly betraying the person they claim to love.
3. They surround themselves with people who normalize cheating
My favorite book in the world, the Bible, says, “He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
It also says, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good character.”
You cannot underestimate the influence of the people you surround yourself with.
If you’re constantly around people who treat cheating like it’s nothing, after a while, your own behavior won’t look so terrible to you.
Your friends are cheating, covering for each other, and laughing about their side chicks and side guys.
Someone gets caught, and everybody’s concern is not, “How could you do this to your spouse?”
It’s, “Ah, guy! You weren’t careful enough.”
So the problem isn’t cheating; it’s getting caught.
And if that’s the environment you’re constantly in, where exactly is the guilt supposed to come from?
Especially when every time your conscience tries to disturb you, you have five people ready to reassure you that what you’re doing is normal.
People normalize what they repeatedly see.
Something that once made you uncomfortable becomes ordinary when everyone around you does it, jokes about it, defends it, and helps one another hide it.
4. They compare themselves to worse cheaters
You know how it’s easier to do something wrong when you can point to someone doing something worse?
That’s one of the easiest ways to silence guilt.
And thankfully, there will always be someone doing worse than you.
So a man cheating on his wife with one woman says, “At least I’m not sleeping around with different women.”
The one sleeping with different women says, “At least I don’t bring them into our matrimonial home.”
Another says, “At least I still take care of my wife and children.”
Should we bring cake? 😒
This is how people make themselves comfortable with behavior they know is wrong.
They don’t compare themselves to faithfulness.
They compare themselves to a more terrible version of unfaithfulness.
And once they find somebody worse, they feel better.
It’s like stealing $100 and comforting yourself because somebody else stole $10,000.
You still stole.
Someone else’s bigger wrongdoing doesn’t reduce yours.
5. They have cheated so many times that the internal argument is over
The first time you do something wrong, your conscience might disturb you.
You feel uncomfortable, even swear you’ll never do it again.
Then you do it again. And again. And again.
By the tenth time, the internal argument that occurred the first time may no longer happen because you get used to yourself doing it.
The first affair required justification. The next one required less.
Eventually, cheating becomes something you know how to do without having a full-blown meeting with your conscience every time.
This is why I don’t believe people should play with things that violate their values.
You might think it’s just this once.
But sometimes “just this once” is how you introduce yourself to a version of yourself you never thought you could become.
And the more you repeat something, the more normal it feels.
6. They think being a good spouse in other areas creates credit for betrayal
This is why you can imagine being married to someone who appears to be the best partner and still discover that they’ve been cheating.
You had almost nothing to complain about.
They’re responsible, present, they provide, and take care of the children.
In fact, if somebody asked you, “How is your marriage?” you would say you are blessed.
Meanwhile…
Some cheaters use all the good things they do in their marriage to downplay the one terrible thing they do outside it.
Marriage is not a loyalty rewards program where you collect enough points from being a good spouse and eventually redeem them for one free affair.
You can be wonderful in several areas and still be doing something that could shatter the person you married.
This is how some cheaters manage not to feel guilty.
Very few people wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and think they are a terrible person.
Most of us want to believe we’re good people.
So when our behavior threatens that belief, we have two choices: Change the behavior or change the story we tell ourselves about it.
Some cheaters choose the story, which is why guilt stays far away from them.