If you know me quite well, I have never been one to regret my actions or decisions.
But me dedicating a full blog post to talk about how I wasted two years on a man who was never going to commit to me, and the signs I missed while at it, should make you know it is a big deal.
Nobody wakes up and decides to waste even a day of their lives, let alone 2 years.
The funny but sad reality is that you never know when this time starts to add up until that rude reality check sets in.
There were signs all over the place I didn’t pay enough attention to, and what seemed like I was being an understanding and sweet woman soon became a personal cross.
What I Missed While Wasting My Time On Him
I used to defend him a lot.
I can remember a scenario where I was on a vacation with my mum, and we were there for 5 nights.
While there, I got calls from my brother and my friends.
My then-boyfriend, now ex, never called me at any point throughout our stay.
On the day we were scheduled to leave, my mum asked me if I was truly in a relationship as I had claimed.
I answered in the affirmative.
She pointed out that she never heard me talk to the man I said I was dating during our stay, and it was a red flag.
I sat my mum down, explaining to her that it was a long-distance relationship and we were in different time zones.
I even showed her our chats to signal his commitment to me.
When I did, she said it was a basic conversation and nothing serious.
Anyway, I dismissed her concerns as being too rigid, and she should cut him some slack.
Now, let me tell you how the relationship died.
I simply didn’t text him first.
Till this moment, we haven’t spoken a word to each other, and it’s been over 5 years.
If you find yourself always having a line of defense every time someone points out something fundamental in your relationship, take a second look and don’t be like me.
A man who wants to commit does not keep you in permanent preparation mode.
We always had plans.
Plans on how we were going to make more money to have an adequate landing to start our life together.
I volunteered to build our business back home since we wanted to do more where we’d get help.
When the business kicked off, we had another milestone to tick off.
It was at this point that I decided to pursue another degree while I was waiting for him to make our relationship permanent.
It felt more like everything was fine on my end, while he had more milestones for us to conquer.
We were always “getting there”.
After this phase where everything was ticked, another condition will spring out of nowhere.
There was always a condition attached to commitment, and it went on and on like that.
At first, I thought that meant he was thoughtful, but in retrospect, I saw that commitment never really meant anything to him.
A man who pushes commitment further and farther has no intention to actually commit to you.
He just puts you in a constant preparation phase for a stage that may never come.
Another thing I missed was how comfortable he was.
This man was so comfortable in a way that made him bad for me.
Don’t misunderstand me, he is a good man, but not just the man for me.
Now back to the point.
He was comfortable in a bad way.
He knew he could reach me at any tme so he had full access to my time.
I literally put my needs on hold to satisfy his, and he knew this, so he never failed to access that emotional support.
I mean, I built a business model here for him, and I never held back on anything I knew.
I genuinely did all of this, and there was no responsibility from him.
He enjoyed the benefits of a committed relationship while keeping the freedom of a single man.
And because I didn’t want to seem “pressuring”, I let it slide.
I told myself love shouldn’t feel like pressure.
That comfort he had was what birthed the avoidance that led to our split.
He was not confused.
I know we love to say men are confused, but when it comes to matters of the heart, they are not.
This man knew exactly what he was doing.
He knew he didn’t want to move forward with me in the relationship, and that made him do things that made me think he was acting in my best interest.
It shaped how he showed up and how he avoided certain conversations.
While I appreciate everything right now, right from the time he treated us as two different people meant to go their separate ways at the end of the day.
He was supportive and even generous.
And that’s what made it confusing for me.
Because how can someone who treats you well not want to build with you?
There’s a difference between being good to someone and choosing them.
He was good to me, but he wasn’t choosing me.
He knew he liked things the way they were, while I was hoping for more.
And he also knew that as long as he didn’t say a hard no, I would stay.
That silence was not uncertainty.
It was a strategy from the beginning.
I also missed how often I was shrinking.
It is very easy to miss how much effect someone’s actions and inactions can affect us.
It even becomes less glaring when you are unapologetically invested in the person.
When I was in a relationship with this man, it is safe to say my needs were constantly edited to accommodate his own needs.
I constantly delayed having important conversations that should have addressed issues we had till when I felt it was a good time.
Guess what? The perfect time never came.
As a result, I acted like I was fine with things I wasn’t fine with.
I became the “cool” woman who understood everything, but deep down, I was anxious.
He didn’t ask for my patience.
This was the biggest thing I missed in all of this dating scenario.
He did not ask me to wait.
Neither did he sit me down and say, “Please be patient with me while I figure things out.”
He did not promise a timeline and begged for grace.
I volunteered and became the proverbial patient dog.
I told myself, “Love is patient.”
But love being patient does not mean you must be stuck.
There’s a difference.
Patience is powerful when there is movement, and this becomes self-abandonment when there is stagnation.
But I was just there, confusing stillness for slow progress.
You cannot wait someone into commitment.
The relationship ended the day I stopped reaching out first.
I didn’t argue or make an announcement about ending it.
I just stopped initiating, and nothing happened.
That silence told me everything.
I had been carrying it all, and when I dropped it, it fell.
That was the end.
That’s what two years taught me.
It gave me clarity, and that clarity is never wasted.
Take what applies.
Leave what doesn’t.